imaginary_golux: adult red riding hood and her wolf (Default)
[personal profile] imaginary_golux
(As a side note, I’ve been trying to decide what to call my boyfriend on this blog, because obviously I’m not going to use his real name, do I look stupid? and finally settled on calling him my Wolf. And yes, this is possibly related to the pretty pretty icon. Er. My kinks, I has them?)

Anyhow. I was listening to my co-workers at one of my jobs (I have three, kill me now) talking about their respective male significant others, and noticed something a little disturbing. When I talk about my Wolf, in public or in private, it’s usually to mention something good about him – he makes me hot chocolate, he did the dishes, he’s funny, he has better dress sense than I do. When my co-workers talk about their male SOs, it’s often…not as complimentary. They’re insulting, they’re hypochondriacs, they’re hard to get on with, they don’t like my friends…

I find this a little disconcerting, really. I keep wanting to say, If he’s that unpleasant, whyinell are you with him? What good points does this man have? What made you take up with him in the first place?

And then I realized that this is linked to something I’ve ranted about before: the idea that all men are uncommunicative boors, and all women are brainless bimbos, and really they have nothing in common except occasionally sex (and even then the women have to be pressured into it), so just hook up with someone attractive and deal with the fact that you have nothing in common and don’t really like each other. Which is BULLSHIT. But it’s infected so many of us. There’s this idea that if a man wants you – any man – it’s a compliment; that if a man is attractive or rich, or if you’ve been with him for long enough, you should just stay with him because he’s good enough. Who wants an equal? Just go for any available penis!

And…I think that’s utter bullshit. I think we should all – male, female, or other – be pairing up with people who make us happy, who make us feel safe and warm and fuzzy inside, who we can talk to. Who love us, and who we love. And if that means that we don’t go for the first available person with the socially-approved genitalia who makes cow eyes at us, then good! Reach for the sky, people! There are good people out there – I’ve met them, I’ve gone to school with them – and if we’d just…oh, bah. What I’m trying to say is, we shouldn’t settle. None of us. And if our SOs aren’t making us happy, if each time we see them there’s a sense of doom or sadness or tension (that isn’t sexual), then we should feel free – even encouraged – to move on, to find someone who makes us HAPPY.

My Wolf makes me happy, and that is why I am planning on staying with him for the foreseeable future, as long as he’ll have me. I really just wish some of the people around me had the same sort of happiness, and weren’t just settling for…less.

ETA: (As a side note to the side note, and in order to demonstrate respect for my partner and fairly good communication skills, and also that I am occasionally an ass, I shall point out that my SO had much rather be referred to as Best Beloved than Wolf, and that therefore, henceforth I will be calling him Best Beloved. I am sure this will thoroughly confuse all...two...people regularly reading this blog. Hi guys! You're awesome!)

Date: 2011-01-22 04:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah... I could never be with someone who I couldn't enjoy spending time with. Sheesh. On the flip side of that though is, if you end up getting married to them at what point do you cut things off? For me at least, I only have one non-negotiable (which is a "don't pass go" non-negotiable). Anything else would require us to go to counseling first (which may or may not change anythhing but at least we would have had time to discuss the issues and given it the "'ol college try"). As a result I don't take anything for granted and try to regularly interact with him in some way every day (but also give him is solo time that it seems like most guys need... from my experience).

I decided long before just to call my husband "hubby" on my blog (although I do have permission to use his first name but as I don't call myself by my real name on here I won't him).

Date: 2011-01-22 01:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah, you're right that it's complicated - and I know I got lucky, finding my Wolf so easily - but it still bugs me that these people are so very unhappy in the one thing which is supposed to make us happy. And actually it bugs me more that they often don't seem to see anything wrong with that, like that's just how it is.

I dunno, somehow it seems odd to me to just call him boyfriend all the time. Like he was interchangeable. But then, I'm strange.

Date: 2011-01-22 02:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I can understand you wanting to give him a name, stereotypically and traditionally a boyfriend is less permanent than a husband (and I tend to be an optimist) and I guess that's why I've never called him by his given name on here.

I agree, I've heard that some people just don't tell friends how good their SO is (also in my experience) and I have to wonder if that's a normal thing in the world today. I noticed that sort of thing with adults who divorced when I was a kid while the parents/adults who didn't are still together today. I'm not saying that is is all the way across spectrum (and I suspect there could be one or two of the divorces that had a good reason) but that it's just something I observed. We practice in our bfs/gfs what we will do with our SO/husband/wives and we also practice what we see/remember/are taught unless we purposefully recognize where our parents went wrong.

*looks at this sentence* Do I sound preachy here? I'm sorry if I do.

Date: 2011-01-22 05:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I think what you're saying is that relationships where they're vocally...less pleasant about each other are less likely to last? Because if that is what you're saying, it makes a heck of a lot of sense, really. And yeah, I think you're right about practicing what we've seen as children - I am, pretty purposefully, modeling my relationship off of my parents', because they're happy together.

Date: 2011-01-22 04:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I wonder how much that reflects their actual opinions/experiences of their significant others, and how much if it is the fact that bitching about your significant other is an acceptable form of female bonding, whereas saying nice things about your significant other might be seen as boasting and therefore antisocial.

Date: 2011-01-22 05:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hm, you may have a point. All sorts of bragging - if female - are kinda anti-social, aren't they? Though on the other hand I actually asked one lady if her SO made her happy, and she said he made *her* happy but was a douche to everyone else...I don't even know.

Date: 2011-01-28 05:30 am (UTC)
ext_34967: Celtic style letter A (Pagan: Celtic Stag)
From: [identity profile]
Holy crap, you're a fantastic writer, and based on your entries you think - intelligently and in-depth - about the same sorts of things I do. I just sent a friends request - I don't post all that much, so I won't spam your f-list, but I would love to follow your journal.

Date: 2011-01-28 01:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm flattered! I'm glad someone likes my writing, both fic and nonfic. You're welcome to follow along; comment all you like.

Date: 2011-02-27 03:51 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Well, there is this old idea that when you are happy with your significant one, you shouldn't talk about his virtues (in front of your female friends), at all. On the contrary, you must tell them how bad he is, how he sucks at sex, communication and respect... so they don't steal him from you...

I think that is bullshit, but sometimes when I hear so many women badmouthing their sentimental partners, I can't help but wonder if it is because of that...

Date: 2011-02-27 04:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hm, interesting. I hadn't run into that - though I'm notoriously oblivious to most social cues - but it's certainly a thought.

But yes, bullshit. If he doesn't want to be stolen, he ain't going anywhere.


imaginary_golux: adult red riding hood and her wolf (Default)

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